Don’t Make Yourself An Afterthought...

We live in a very fast paced era. Everything is so interconnected and constructed, almost like we’re simply coloring between the lines while racing against a clock. Within this fast paced norm there is an expectation that sits in our brains and is subtitled when we go through something intense, traumatic or heartbreaking, that we need to be over it by (or within) a certain time. We don’t really know when that time is, or why it matters, but there it is. The thought of lingering in something makes us feel like we’re making a ‘bigger deal’ out of it, that we don’t know how to move on, or that we’re drawn to drama. 

Recently I was working to navigate a very intense season, dealing with pain a level of pain and shock that was new to me. In an effort to not be alone one afternoon, I went to a local coffee shop when I ran into a friend who invited me to sit by them as they worked. There was no request to talk about it, or any expectation for answers to be given. Later, they gave me some advice which in turn created the framework for me to find a path forward within the mess - whether it takes two weeks, two months or even two years… just give yourself the space and time you need, and don’t feel pressured to figure it out sooner than you do. 

The bottom line is this: there’s no equation that takes the level of trauma and churns out the time it takes for your heart and mind to feel whole again. No logical timeline on the effects time has on your heart and emotions in their recovery/growth process. When we experience pain, the number one misstep people make today is to stuff it down, not talk about it, and numb our way through the day/week/month etc. We think no one wants to hear about what we’re feeling or going through, or that talking about it only makes it more than it needs to be. Society for years has tried to subtly teach us that vulnerability is weakness, which is little more than a notion birthed from a sad stupidity.

The other end of the spectrum is to rush the cycle of emotion faster than it’s prepared to go. To convince ourselves that we’re okay (when we’re not), and no longer need to process what hurt us, with no need to create mental space for exploring the resulting emotions. We create a false green light in our minds, rushing out into the intersection only to be t-boned with the issues that come with ignoring emotions and pain. Sure, our survival instinct is constantly trying to move us away from emotional pain, but that’s only because we need to rewire our brain to seek the triumph on the other side of processing through trauma. 

Pain sucks. Heartache hurts. There’s no way around that. Pain feels like a freaking flat tire that just becomes an obstacle in front of all the business of today’s world. As real as that is, I beg you - fight to create space. You’re heart is what gives you lifeblood - physically and emotionally - and cannot be an afterthought, neglected or second rate. Numbing pain might seem like a path to getting your feet back under you, but the reality is when you cut off any form of emotion you narrow the full spectrum of emotion you’re able to feel. When you stop yourself from simply being sad, you also loose the ability to actually be truly happy, and end up living in this small pendulum but hardly ever leaves an emotional neutral zone. 

Now, there’s a difference between processing and being a victim. I don’t feel the need to go in depth into that now, but also please don’t misunderstand - not pushing yourself too fast doesn’t equal pushing yourself backwards or staying put. I’m simply saying: pace yourself. You’ll figure out what speed works for your journey as you begin to walk it. It’s important to not compare how other people handle these experiences, how the process looks, how long ‘recovery’ takes, or how it changes them as a person going forward. You can’t try and push yourself through someone else’s story - though you can certainly learn from it. 

So where can we start? Like this - don’t feel bad. Don’t fall into a false sense of guilt that you milking your pain for some fantasy of ‘woe is me’. You may need to, and probably should, talk it through with someone today - tomorrow - the next day, and well into next week. It’s fine. Or, you may feel the need to wait to talk to someone. That’s fine too, as long as this route does end in talking about it. When our mind and heart are kept in silence - lies, disproportion, distortion, stupidity, filters and misunderstanding begin to run ramped through our neurological streets and emotional alleys. 

So what do we do? We practice. 

Find someone you can trust, and communicate what you’re needing - asking them to offer insight OR asking them to just simply listen. This teaches us to tend to our emotional gardens, and in working to articulate what we’re experiencing (going through) to someone else, we actually bring clarity to ourselves. 

If that sounds like too much, start by writing to yourself about what your feeling. Write out a question, then write your answer. Allow it to flow like a conversation between two people, natural and fluid. 

“Can you explain that more?” 

“what did you mean by ____?” 

“do you think that ____?”

A physical wound takes time, and goes through stages of healing. Sometimes when you jump back on an injured leg before its ready you can do more damage than good. It’s the same for your heart, and that is something we need to fight for, while helping others learn along the way. Some experiences change us for life, and there’s no proportional response to something like that - it’s simply what there is. Neither good, nor bad, but simply necessary and natural.

Hope this inspires you to give yourself and your emotions more room to thrive - cause we can always grow!